PostGame Celebration
by Noraque
Summary: The team celebrates their flawless victory over the Collectors at the Citadel. What happens? Drunkeness! Hilarity! Romance! Miranda/Jacob, Jack/Grunt, Thane/Samara, Kelly/Garrus, hits of Joker/EDI and Ken/Gabby. Please READ AND REVIEW!


"Bring a full round of drinks over here! And don't bring us any of that watered down crap! We're the best damn squad this galaxy has ever faced and we don't settle for anything but the best!"

Shepard leaned back in her chair, a large grin spreading over her face. And why the hell not? Her entire team, including her non-squad crew had just made it back threw the Omega 4 Relay after blowing the Collectors all the way to Collector hell, destroyed a Human-Reaper with nothing but their own guns, and then, to top it off, she had basically told the Illusive Man to go screw himself. And the best thing about that was everyone on board praised her for it- even Miranda and Jacob couldn't conceal their grins after hearing her little speech. Of course, now that they had quit Cerberus they could safely do so without fear of repercussions.

The entire field team was gathered around one large oval-shaped table in a corner of the Dark Star Lounge on the Citadel. Even Legion, who was physically incapable of drinking anything, was there in order to 'gain a consensus on the recreational habits of organics'. Joker and Kelly were also present; Ken and Gabby had opted to go off on their own to spend some quality time together, much in part to Kelly's encouragement and much to Joker's amusement. Shepard sat on one end of the table between Garrus and Tali; Joker, Thane, Grunt, Mordin, and Miranda lined the left side of the table while Kelly, Legion, Jack, Samara, and Jacob lined the right side. They were unquestionably the most odd and unlikely group in the entire club, but right now that didn't matter. They'd just saved the galaxy and if they wanted to kick back and get trashed during their self-appointed shore leave, then that's damn well what they were going to do.

"Okay Collector Slayers," Shepard announced from her seat and twelve triumphant faces (or at least she assumed twelve since Tali and Legion's expressions were difficult to read) turned towards her, "I assume you know the reason we've all dragged our asses into this delightful place is that we have some serious celebrating to do!"

There was a round of cheers from everyone at the table.

"The Collector threat has been eradicated from the face of the galaxy, and right now the Reapers are pissing their mechanical pants, shaking in fear because the biggest bunch of badasses just blew one of their prototypes from here to galactic hell with handguns and rifles!"

Another round of cheers came from the group.

"Not to mention the fact I may have told the almighty Illusive Man, in slightly more polite terms, to go fuck himself!"

Jacob laughed out loud. "Man, I would've paid top dollar to see that! It's about damn time someone looked him in his dead eyes and brought him back down to our level."

Even Miranda couldn't help but smirk at the situation. "For once Commander, I think you may have been too polite with him. As far as I'm concerned, the Illusive Man can kiss my arse!"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You keep up with that attitude cheerleader, and I might just have to think twice about butchering you alive."

Shepard grinned. Here they were- the most unlikely team in the galaxy, who would probably be killing each other if they weren't forced to team up against the Collectors- sitting in a bar joking like old friends. If that didn't make the top five list of the things she least expected to see in her life, she didn't know what would.

"So because we're officially the most hardcore group in the universe, we're going to drink like the most hardcore group in the universe!" She announced as the asari waitress arrived with a platter full of assorted alcoholic drinks. Each member of the group received the strongest beverage their species could tolerate; even Legion had received a bottle of human beer, though it was content to study and analyze the alcohol level in it to make a connection between its exact effects of the human body and the carefree, provocative attitude in which many organic species were partaking in the lounge.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Shepard raised her glass. "Here's to the second team of the Saviours of the Galaxy!"

"And this time, hopefully we'll get more time to enjoy it!" Tali remarked happily, raising her own glass specially designed for her suit.

"I wish I'd been with you during the Saren months!" Kelly smiled. "I can't imagine the feeling of pride you must have felt when you saved the galaxy from total extinction."

"The success of stopping galactic threats appears to have a direct affect on the organic species' desire to consume large amounts of high-grade alcohol and partake in sexual hazardous activities, Shepard-Commander." Legion interjected. "We recommend caution if you intend to consume more than one of these beverages in the next few hours; the danger of becoming intoxicated and partaking in risky sexual activity with a crewmember would increase by 10.8%- rounding down."

"Just so long as you don't decide to pull some freaky shit on me, I couldn't care less." Jack smirked. "Anyways, you'd have to get a _hell_ of lot more drinks into me before I'd even consider not crushing you with a shockwave for even thinking that. Speaking of which, I'm really in the mood to kill someone, and right now Grunt, I'm thinking of killing a certain krogan in a drinking contest."

Grunt chuckled. "Just try to outlast me Jack. You'll go down in no time; you humans are all weak, especially when it comes to holding your liquor."

"I admit it is pleasant to take great comfort in the peace and solitude of friends in the aftermath of a heated battle." Samara remarked, holding her own glass. "While I do not often partake in the party lifestyle that many younger individuals do, it is relaxing to have companions to enjoy myself with at this moment."

"I agree." Thane replied, finding himself relating to the concept of an 'old warrior'. Of course, he didn't have nearly the experience of the justicar, but hey- a drell had to get them where he could find them. "It is nice in my final months of life to enjoy the comforts of friendship and companionship."

"Hey Commander," Jacob piped up, "why don't we get a bar installed in the _Normandy_? That way we won't have to spend all those credits you constantly find during missions on shore leave!"

"Finding a place to install such a thing and building it would require far more credits than any type of shore leave would, Jacob." Miranda said in her usual business tone. "It would be a waste of Cerberus…" She paused, realization coming over her face. "Oh that's right. We don't work for Cerberus anymore. Forget what I just said; I'll start searching for an appropriate place for the bar."

"Indeed." Mordin spoke up. "Different species respond to stress differently. However, seems likely that common bond between multiple species involves insatiable desire to consume alcoholic beverages. Irrational at first glance. Wilful subjection to intoxication. Danger of falling and injuring oneself more likely. Hazard of contracting sexually transmitted disease increases significantly. However, also see appeal of actions. Numbing of physical and mental pain. Temporary distraction from fate of entire galaxy resting in your hands. Opportunity to share with friends. Have come to one sensible conclusion." He inhaled audibly. "Must get drunk."

"As if we didn't have enough reason to celebrate already," Joker added, "we get to keep the brand new ship that kicked the ass of the big bad Collector ship near the base. My baby's running just as smoothly as it ever was!"

"Are you talking about the _Normandy_ Joker, or the smooth-talking AI that came with it?" Garrus said in a teasing fashion.

"Hey, I'll have you know that any relationship between EDI and I is strictly professional! And anyway, how would that even work out if we tried? A human and a machine? That's just messed." He raised an eyebrow and waited until the turian was taking a sip of his drink. "I mean, it's not like I would take any tips on interspecies relationships from a guy who privately fantasizes about his commanding officer."

Anything else Joker was planning to say was abruptly and violently interrupted by Garrus suddenly choking and blowing a mouthful of beer across the table, subsequently managing to soak Tali, Legion and Kelly with the alcoholic beverage. Shepard quickly reached over and slapped the turian on the back until he managed to stop coughing.

"Alert!" Legion's voice penetrated the noise. "Hazardous material disrupting vital data storages. Rerouting data to undamaged units."

Tali wiped her visor with her hand amusedly. Kelly stared down at her soaked shirt, over towards the striking figure of Garrus, and a slight blush came into her cheeks.

"You alright there, Garrus?" Shepard asked concerned.

"I'm fine, Shepard." Garrus fixed Joker with a death glare. "But I can't say the same is going to be true for everyone here before the night is over."

The pilot threw up his hands. "Hey, don't kill the pilot! EDI may be able to control the ship if necessary, but who's going to be the one shouting all the cool lines when we knock Harbinger and all his Reaper pals on their sentient asses?"

"Take it easy, Garrus. We're here to relax, remember?" Shepard signalled the waitress again.

_And if this bunch is going to relax, we're going to need a __lot__ more drinks…_

**Two hours later…**

"I just want you guys to know," Shepard announced loudly, slurring her words, "that no matter what happens with the Reapers or Cerberus or whatever," she hiccupped loudly, "I love each and every one of you!"

There was a chorus of equally inebriated cheers from around the table.

"Shepard," a clearly drunk Tali managed to speak, "we really ought to hang out more often, you know? Back on the flotilla, we never managed to enjoy ourselves so much. It should be just the two of us- one big happy girls' night out!"

"Just the two of you out all night, huh?" Joker chuckled, clutching onto his own glass. "Be sure to set up a video camera and uplink it the _Normandy_."

He continued to chuckle even at the pointed stares of the two women. Garrus leaned over and mumbled (or at least tried to in his inebriated state), "You don't want to piss them off, trust me. Shepard could snap your neck in a second and Tali's got a great defence system. I ought to know- I've tried."

Joker erupted into laughter, though whether from his own drunkenness or his misinterpretation of the turian's meaning was unclear.

Kelly merely shook her head and slurred, "If you two are going out, then don't even think of leaving me behind! I've always been one to be a part of a group of three! I've just never imagined it would happen with another species!"

This time it was Garrus who erupted into laughter. Turning towards the pilot, he said between breaths, "Forget what I just said; _I'll_ bring the video camera!"

"How come you get to have all the fun?"

"I'm way better at it. Anyway, what do you think EDI would do to you if she caught you watching any member of the _Normandy_ that wasn't her?"

Joker gulped, apparently considering what it would mean to invoke the AI's wrath.

There was a loud crash from the centre of the table. Looking over in the direction of the noise, Shepard observed Jack slam down another empty glass alongside a bunch of other empty glasses in front of her. The ex-convict looked up triumphantly across to her drinking companion. "That's twenty each Grunt!" Her speech distinctly reflected the amount of alcohol she'd consumed. "You think you're tough enough for another round, or are you a pussy like everyone else who's tried to beat me in anything?"

The krogan gave a smile. "Give me a break; I'm just getting started." His slurred words didn't quite back up his claim as well as he would have liked.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion interjected, "we have determined that almost every member of the crew, including Shepard-Commander herself, have significantly high levels of alcohol in their bloodstream, particularly the human biotic and the krogan. Recommend subjects Jack and Grunt be transported back to the _Normandy_ as cargo without delay."

Shepard could only roll her eyes. How could she have forgotten Legion's presence? As a geth, it was probably the one that stood out the most of their screwed up group. Not that the synthetic didn't deserve some love and attention as well. However, before she could make any response, her attention was suddenly drawn elsewhere.

"_I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAN,_

_I'VE STUDIED SPECIES TURIAN, ASARI AND BATARIAN!_"

Shepard turned a stunned face to the other end of the table, staring in shock at the scene unfolding; Mordin, apparently in his own state of inebriation had stood up from his seat and was now belting out his version of Gilbert and Sullivan at the top of his lungs. Many other patrons in the lounge looked over startled towards the scientist.

"_I'M QUITE GOOD AT GENETICS (AS A SUBSET OF BIOLOGY),_

_BECAUSE I AM AN EXPERT (WHICH I KNOW IS A TAUTOLOGY)!_"

In her less than sober state, Shepard found herself roaring with laughter at the normally work-driven salarian scientist expressing his drunken stupor in the best way he knew how. Even though she had heard him sing before, somehow, when you were drunk, _everything_ seemed funnier.

Mordin leapt up onto the table and spread his arms, much the same way he had when singing the last two stanzas of his song back in the lab.

"_MY XENOSCIENCE STUDIES RANGE FROM URBAN TO AGRARIAN,_

_I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!_"

Mordin fell silent, his arms still held up in the air. Shepard stared at him amusedly, waiting for him to give an embarrassed cough like he had when she had first seen his song performed on the _Normandy_.

Except this time, instead of the cough, she was greeted with the sight of Mordin passing out on his feet and falling backwards off the table, landing with a thunderous _crash_ on the floor.

Grunt snickered as he stared down at the unconscious salarian sprawled out like an X near his overturned chair. "I guess some people really _can't_ hold their liquor!"

"Awww!" Kelly looked dreamy-eyed to her right. "Would you look at those two? It's so _cute_!"

For a second in her drunken state, Shepard amusedly thought the Yeoman was referring to Mordin and Grunt (a thought that would have scared the hell out of her had she been sober), but then caught sight of what she was referring to; at some point during Mordin's performance, Thane had crawled drunkenly under the table and was now resting peacefully with his head in Samara's lap. The asari, likely equally intoxicated, was leaning back in her chair, eyes semi-closed, smile on her face as she gently stroked the drell's face.

"Well I'll be…" Shepard shook her head. Kelly was right- they _were_ cute. In an odd sort of way. Thane and Samara, she had always thought, shared some kind of special bond- both over the nature of their work and their personal and spiritual beliefs. The assassin and the justicar- now _that_ was something she really ought to get a picture of!

"Hah!" Jacob snickered. "I'd love to see their faces tomorrow when we tell them what they were up to in here!"

"Jacob," Shepard said, "by tomorrow you won't remember a damn thing about what happened here; none of us will." She grinned brightly. "That's why we're doing everything we'd never do if we were sober!"

"_Everything_, commander?" Jacob raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm not sure we've crossed that line yet… Maybe it's time this shore leave involved some _real_ down time! I'm thinking of spending it… down on the floor with a certain superior officer."

"Please Jacob," Miranda said with a slight slur, "in your condition you'd fall asleep before you got your shirt off. Anyway, the commander could probably break you in half with her thighs if she wanted to."

"Hey, I didn't hear _you_ complaining at the time! The way I remember it, you said you'd never complain about any experience you and I had!"

"I'm not going to say it wasn't fun. I mean, when you put two biotics together in the same engine room…"

"Damn, don't remind me of that! My lower body still hasn't fully recovered!"

Miranda grinned. "Oh yeah. That one night was far too much for the all mighty Alliance soldier, wasn't it?"

Jacob smirked. "After hearing the way you practiced your reports to the Illusive Man in your sleep, I'd say that's right."

"Hey," Garrus drunkenly interjected into the discussion, "no fair singling out Shepard." The commander turned a smiling, triumphant face towards the ex-Cerberus operative. "She's much too hot a woman to be with you anyway."

Jacob's mouth dropped open in shock, while Shepard and Miranda both valiantly tried- and valiantly failed- to hold back their laughter. Hauling his jaw up off the table, Jacob frowned and crossed his arms. "Fine then, Vakarian. If you think you can do better, by all means. But I'm telling you- come the morning, you're going to be regretting this!"

"Come the morning, I think we're _all_ going to be regretting this." Shepard shook her head and immediately regretted it as a wave of nausea swept over her.

"Not me." Kelly smiled. "I'm going to be really lonely if I have to spend all night in my pod alone without anyone to share it with." A suggestive look came into her eye as she stared at Garrus. "Besides, I'd love to get a more… _in-depth_ look into the psychological state of turians when they are… uh, in action."

Garrus couldn't help but chuckle- a clear sign of his inebriation since his true self would have been fumbling for an appropriate response and end up saying a horribly misplaced metaphor. Right now, the young Yeoman looked pretty good in his eyes; in fact it seemed like her chest had grown more pronounced ever since he accidently soaked her with beer.

"I think I might be able to… help in that situation Kelly. You know me; always whipping out the big gun to deliver that one big last shot dead on target!"

Shepard couldn't help but roar with laughter; okay, maybe Garrus' horrible metaphors still found their way into his mind during a drunken bout. If she remembered this the next morning, this was something she'd _definitely_ have to rib him about!

Kelly continued to smile in her drunken, cheery way as she turned towards Shepard. "You wouldn't mind if I took your macho turian rebel away for a little while, would you? I've always been intrigued by men with scars."

Shepard merely shook her head. "You want him Kelly, he's all yours. Just be careful with his face."

"Aw, you mean the poor guy is still in pain from his little accident?"

"No- I mean his teeth can cut up your tongue if your not careful. I had to get an emergency oral ointment from Mordin the last time."

Kelly's inebriated eyes opened wide, while Garrus continued to smirk in the Yeoman's direction. Shepard chuckled and said, "Course if you guys are planning on doing anything tonight, I still have some of it in my quarters. Mordin's advice is very useful; I suggest you pay him a visit the next time you want to explore physical interspecies relationships."

A happily drunk Kelly smiled again. "If you say so Shepard. Right now I'm on top of the galaxy," she made a stumbling effort to stand upright, "and all I want is some hot turian love!"

"Well seeing as how we're all on top of the galaxy," Shepard grinned as she made an effort of her own to stand, "I suggest we get on our way to saving it! Everyone head back to the _Normandy_ so we can kick some Reaper ass!"

There was a chorus of drunken cheers around the table as slowly one by one the crew got to their feet.

"Damn it, and here I thought I was going to get lucky tonight." Jacob grumbled in a less than sober fashion. "Why is it that I always get the short end of the stick?"

"Oh Jacob, you're such a pouter." Miranda slurred. "You're just upset that Garrus managed to outwit you when he had funk like a dish. Uh, no wait- that's wrong… I mean drunk like a fish."

"It doesn't matter." Jacob continued, the alcohol breaking down his cool, carefree attitude. "No matter what I do in this damn universe, I never come with something in my favour. I mean it's almost as like someone else is pulling the strings, making Shepard avoid joining up with me! What is this- some kind of video game where the player holds the fate of the characters in their hand?"

"Don't be absurd. That would be like Shepard picking me to go after the Human-Reaper since she knew I would quit Cerberus if she chose to destroy the base." A seductive look came into her. "Besides, I know that a little while down memory the line, _I_ certainly was not getting the short end of the stick…" She gave a damn good wink considering her eyes were half-closed from inebriation. "I think I could manage to clear the engine room when we get back on board…"

Jacob suddenly was at full attention. "You know, now that you mention it I actually felt pretty good after that last time…"

There was a low, Aussie sounding giggle as Miranda and Jacob slung their arms around each other, mostly to keep themselves upright, and staggered out of the club. Pretty soon the other members of the crew were following their example. Kelly and Garrus, both still grinning drunkenly, made their way out followed by Jack and Grunt. Thane and Samara staggered out, holding onto each other rather affectionately, while Legion slung the unconscious body of Mordin over its shoulder to carry the salarian back- as 'cargo', Shepard figured.

Joker got to his feet and immediately stumbled against the table. Rolling her eyes, Shepard got on one side of the pilot while Tali took the other side. The drunk man immediately got a gleam into his eye.

"Hey, I guess you decided to include me in your little 'night away from everyone else' after all, huh?" Joker grinned. "You should let me get my camera before you ladies, uh… _begin_."

"Joker," Tali said, "I may be drunk but I'm not oblivious. Don't make me 'accidently' drop you on the floor and break every bone in your body."

Joker pouted. "You're such a spoiler. But I'd still have the boss to hang on to! And you wouldn't let me fall would you Commander? Me being the best pilot in the galaxy and your favourite person, right?"

Shepard could only shake her head in amusement. They _definitely_ had to get out for shore leave more often.

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


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